I can remember being inside that catholic church so it must have been a Sunday because that’s the only time we went, only this time I was alone and it was in my dream. I sat there dumbfounded wondering in my mind ‘why am I here’ while looking at the statues that really gave no feedback and did absolutely nothing positive in my life. Feeling disgusted within me I just sat there and watched the front of the church as if expecting something to take place when nothing would or did. Just then a man came from behind like he had just entered the church and slid into the pew where I sat. I thought he came to assist the mass so I was ready to slide over to give him more space to sit but then I realized by looking at him smiling at me that He only came for Me. He spoke but his mouth never moved. He handed me a pen and told me to write down what ails me. Of course that’s how I understood it but I’m sure the words were different. I took the pen from him and he disappeared. I woke up hardly remembering this for years on end though it was a recurring dream, but never once did I stop writing. I wrote essays, dreams, songs, stories, poems, also in other languages. Even when I professed to have had writers block, I never stopped writing. I’ve had poems published in a library of something or another and had one of my poems entitled a book, I’ve been invited to all corners of the world because of poetry contests entered but have never taken advantage of these things. Each time I’d receive an envelope with invitation I’d suck my teeth at it and put it away never to open it, or opening it way later. My gift suffered to belong to me! I didn’t always recognize it being there! It silently calmed the chaos within by freezing the words on paper. It was like commanding it all to stop though I knew not to utter those words for they never came to mind.
A lot of things lost their way within my mind like the day I got saved when I was only nine years old. (I was so shocked to have been given the right to choose at that time. That was the first time I had the right to choose and so I proudly did. My proud choice however got knocked down by confused individuals who swore they knew what was best for me though). I was quickly swept away from the source because these others thought they had better things planned for my life. The better things they thought of however consisted of holy communion and confirmation. It was only downhill from there but no one cared to acknowledge it. I went down the spiral for years and ended up forgetting the day I got saved until adulthood. I didn’t just remember one day out of the blue though, no, that would have been too simple. I remember I had just walked into the church God had revealed to me in my sleep at that time and in the dream I saw I got as far as the lobby and I had an eye opener. All the information came at once and hit me like a bulldozer only in the head. The tender voice spoke ever so softly but the news delivered was shocking and there was no easier way to serve it. He spoke in a convincing way saying you have to have had remember that day when you were only nine years old and you sought my face. Do you know what you did that day? That action you did, the decision you made was accepted. It became like a carport over your life and I shielded you throughout your life (until this day) although the big wind came and drove you away. That day, you became mine, I accepted you! I was blown away having heard this because that day was very historic and special to me though I didn’t even know the date, so much so that only God and I knew of what took place then.
It was a beautiful sunshiny Sunday when my grandmother and I walked into church and against my will I was told I had to go sit with the kids. I really wanted to be and sit with my grandmother but I said nothing. As I sat there in Sunday school, the teacher kept talking but I never heard one word. I had blocked her voice out completely because I wanted to sit with my grandmother and if I couldn’t then no one would have my attention, so I thought. While Sunday school had ended and the worship service began I scarcely noticed the difference because since Sunday school my attention had turned over to the beautiful sunny day that was blazing through the side window and it kept me drawn in. The pastor after having spoken for how long I knew not gave an altar call but I didn’t understand what was happening yet I was sure to run into my grandmother if I went in front of the altar so I went up. Once there however, I forgot what I went up there for because what the pastor was saying got me hooked. He was speaking about food, nourishment for the body, my kind of thing. He spoke with so much emphasis on that topic that I was sold. I was in it for good. I was determined based on what he had said (that I hardly remember of now) that I was not going to leave that place without receiving that food that my body needed. I was big, bad, and bold enough to tell God that I’m not leaving until He gave me that food and unless I receive it I won’t let Him go. I never knew what the sermon was about till this day but I remember even after everyone left the altar and I was among the very last ones to leave but it’s only because I didn’t want my grandmother to leave me that’s why I had no choice but to move. Still while moving and going out the back door (as opposed to the front door where I came in) I looked under the tonèl which is like a carport but covered in straw or dry leaves. Underneath that tonèl the women would gather to cook and if there was any food being taken out I was determined to get mine. Unfortunately when I got there, there was no sign of food having been cooked. I thought they must be trying to trick me well I won’t fall for it because I decided that today I’m not going home unless I receive my share of this food that the pastor was speaking of. I thought something this good ought to be mine because I want it, need it, got to have it, so if they’re giving it I’m having it and that’s it. It wasn’t until then that I heard my grandmother calling my name and I ran to her. She grabbed my hand and we walked home together. No one ever knew I had gotten saved that day, not even me. But God must’ve testified for me because the news came and went until it reached the ears of those individuals that felt it necessary to separate me from that source then putting a whole litany of burdens over my first and best decision ever.
They didn’t know I had received my calling since I was three years old in front of a catholic church in Haiti on a Sunday afternoon after mass had ended. They didn’t know that I had already answered yes to that voice after He had called me and made me want to seek Him because He was the only sure and familiar thing to me in a world where everything and everyone seemed estranged. He won me before I could explain to others what was taking place. Before I could correctly pronounce words to say the Our Father, He proved to me that He knew me, had His eyes on me and wanted me! Six years later when He knew that wind would come to sweep me away, He came and reached me first then carried me. He knew I didn’t understand anything, was in the dark about everything and would take a long time to even try to recognize Him and might not even be good at it, yet and still He carried me, nursed me, reminded me of who I am and whose I am because in His eyes I’m precious. He knew I would have difficulty believing that I’m the apple of His eye, yet and still He kept me!
How much are you willing to love and care for someone who doesn’t know you, doesn’t acknowledge you, hardly remember you, and with life’s hardships could easily forget you in passing? Have you given Him all your brokenness? He will show you a masterpiece made out of your brokenness if you let Him! Do let Him introduce you to a better version of yourself. God never fails, He’s never wrong! Give Him all the pieces of your life, when He shows you the end result you’ll be knocked off of your seat, I promise you. It’s an eternity of a blessing to strive for. Go for it! It’s a love match made in heaven. You will definitely want to throw your crown at His feet when you get to Him, that’s a sure thing! It’s like pre-wedding feast jitters!
MBM-Tine Brice
Martine Brice 